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I've been asked yet again in an email where I really think an MLS team would end up in the Premiership standings in England.

What a pointless hypothetical that argument is. I wonder why any MLS fans waste time on it. I doubt River Plate fans worry much about where their team would place in some foreign league's table. They're too busy actually trying to be champions where they are.

Actually, it reminds me of another classic argument.

"You think Mighty Mouse could beat up Superman?"--Vern
"What are you? Cracked?!"--Teddy
"I don't know. I once saw Mighty Mouse hold up five elephants with his one hand."--Vern
"Boy, you don't know nothing. Mighty Mouse is a cartoon. Superman is a real guy. There's no way a cartoon could beat up a real guy."--Teddy
"Yeah. But it'd be a good fight, though."--Vern

So perhaps Vern could be arguing on behalf of MLS (Mighty Mouse) while Teddy favors a "real" league like the EPL. In that case, it could be worth noting that the actor who played Vern went on to a more successful film and TV career, while the one who played Teddy voices a character on the cable cartoon Super Robot Monkey Team. In which case, the best choice seems clear.

Honestly, it makes about as much sense as the conjecture the original question requires.